Episode 8: Is adoption helpful or hurtful?
EPISODE SUMMARY
This week co-hosts Kara-Kae and Elizabeth are recognizing National Adoption Month. As adoptive mamas, they want to explore the heartache and joys of adoption and answer the question, “Is adoption helpful or harmful?” They each share their personal stories of adoption and talk about the painful and joyful parts of adoption. They end by answering three listener questions pertaining to adoption.
THE LITTLE THINGS
We like to start each episode by talking about the little things in life that make a big impact.
Kara-Kae talked about the trauma of taking her kids to get flu shots.
Elizabeth talked about This is Us and the complex storyline revolving around teen parenting.
THE CONVERSATION
Kara-Kae and Elizabeth begin this episode by offering their own stories of adoption: Kara-Kae’s family adopted their fourth child through a private domestic adoption and Elizabeth’s family adopted their youngest two children through foster care.
Elizabeth explains the difference between international adoption, domestic adoption, and adoption through foster care.
Kara-Kae encourages listeners to listen to adoptees in order to better understand some of the more difficult aspects of adoption. We must acknowledge that adoption is a response to something broken and painful, and we need to “celebrate” adoptions with great care and consideration.
They also point out that adopting a baby does not mean that child won’t have trauma, and if your child has experienced trauma, the hosts offer practical ways adoptive parents can address this trauma in their adopted children. They also discuss how parents can talk to adopted kids about how they came into their adoptive family.
Kara-Kae and Elizabeth also warn against romanticizing adoptions. They remind listeners of the pain of adoption, and they offer their views on how to celebrate “Gotcha Days” and “Adoption Days.”
Finally, they answer three listener questions:
How can non-adoptive families help adoptive families?
Elizabeth says we should respond to adoptive families just like we would any other family who brings a new baby or family member home. We can bring them a meal, offer to make a grocery run, invite their older kids over for a playdate, and so much more!
Kara-Kae encourages people to be cautious about asking too many questions in front of the kids (adoptive and bio).
2. How did you explain adoption to your bio kids?
Elizabeth says that they had to explain foster care to their kids more than adoption. They let their kids know that their foster daughter would stay with them as long as God let her, but there was always the chance she could go back to her bio parents or to another family member.
When it came time for adoption, Elizabeth and her husband, Brandon, told the kids that they would be their foster daughter’s family forever.
Kara-Kae said their kids have friends who are adopted so they were already exposed to adoption when they decided to adopt. Kara-Kae and her husband, Brook, took their kids to the hospital when Kendrick was born and the kids met his birth family. They were always included in the conversations and the process.
3. What if you feel the urge to adopt, but you know it’s not time yet.
Kara-Kae and Elizabeth both experienced this--they both felt ready to adopt before their husbands did. They encourage couples to make sure you are both on the same page; if one of you is ready and the other one is not ready, then you are both not ready.
RESOURCES TO REFRAME OUR THINKING
Elizabeth recommended the book, Before We Were Yours by Lisa Wingate . . . it’s a historical fiction book based on a true story about a woman who ran an orphanage and employed people who kidnapped children for her, placed them in the orphanage, and then sold them for profit.
Kara-Kae recommended the book, All You Can Every Know by Nicole Chung. It’s a memoir of her life as an adoptee and some of the challenges she has faced as a result of her adoption.