Episode 17: Why are friendships so hard?
EPISODE SUMMARY
Thanks for joining co-hosts Kara-Kae James and Elizabeth Oates for another Episode of Asking for a Friend. This week we are talking about the friendship and answering the question, “Why is friendship so hard?” We’ll talk about why women struggle with friendships and we’ll also offer a lot of listener comments. As always, we’ll recommend some resources that can help you navigate friendships.
THE LITTLE THINGS
In every episode we start out by talking about the little things in life.
Elizabeth talked about how God is rooting out some disappointment, hurt and bitterness and helping her find restoration.
Kara-Kae talked about the stress of having a sick kid, and how it interrupts life. How in the world do working parents do it?
THE CONVERSATION
Kara-Kae and Elizabeth talked about how they have both struggled with friendships, and they think this is common among women.
What makes it so difficult to cultivate healthy friendships?
Living in a small town. Friendships have been formed for decades, and it’s tough to break in.
Insecurity. We make assumptions about people and friend groups based on our own insecurities.
It’s difficult to find people who enjoy the same things you do.
In big cities, it’s tough to build community because you’re so spread out. Logistically it’s tough to connect.
What did listeners have to say about friendship?
There are different types of friends.
Listener Sara Jakus wrote on FB: “There are three types of friendships:
Acquaintance friends
Friends for a season
Forever friends”
2. Social media impacts friendship. It makes friendship feel fake or it makes us feel left out.
@Mostrehlow said, “in a lot of ways, technology has made us lazy friends. We connect with likes and gifs and emojis and for some of us, that’s all we make time for.”
We are so addicted to our phones that we neglect relationships in real life.
We comment on people’s posts and think that counts as investing in the friendship, but it really just leaves us feeling empty.
We think connecting online is equal to connecting in person, but it’s not.
3. We are so busy.
Listener Lindsay Currey said, “Time. It takes so much time to invest in a friendship before you feel comfortable, have trust, can be vulnerable, etc. We struggle to devote the time we know it requires when we have all of our other responsibilities. I haven’t found a shortcut for deep friendships, only weeks and months of consistent effort that slowly builds into something meaningful.”
Another person said, “I know you’re going to get lots of people saying ‘time’ but you make time for what’s important.”
4. The nature of our culture has made building friendships difficult.
We used to live in organic community. Now we live separate, but parallel lives.
Kids used to play in the front yard and cul-de-sacs. Now kids play in backyards behind fences. (ex of our neighbor over Christmas)
We use to sit on the front porch. Now we drive into our garage, shut the door, and never go outside.
Listener Lindsey Hauck said: “We no longer need to leave our houses to get our social interactions. We can do church online, bank online, run a business from online. The days of bowling leagues, gardening clubs, and town dances are dwindling. Hosting holiday open houses for friends to stop by are almost unheard of.”
The book of Acts gives us a vivid picture of how we should live in community:
All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need. (Acts 4:32-35)
5. Friendship requires risk and vulnerability . . . courage and trust.
Listener Wendy Holtz said, “What I find difficult is that authenticity is not encouraged in our modern American society. How can we truly have friends and support each other if we are constantly striving to outdo one another in fashion, body, success, and on social media?”
Kara-Kae referenced her season of burnout, which we discussed in Episode 6. It takes vulnerability to let a friend know we are struggling.
6. We live in a transient culture.
@laurenligondesigns said: “When you live a fairly nomadic lifestyle (4 state moves in 5 years) it gets really hard to (1) make genuine, deep connections in such a short time (2) it’s exhausting to try and start over each time.”
pastors and their families
military families
coaching families
7. Stage of life affects our friendships.
Seasonal friends aren’t necessarily a bad thing.
@KatyGirlGoods said: “I think it’s more of the stage of life than anything (for me at least). Once you get all the kids in school you’re no longer going to playgroups and having natural touch points with friends during the week. You’re around parents with kids on the same sports teams, those you carpool with, etc. But your closest friends may go to different churches, live in different neighborhoods, have kids different ages than yours. Therefore, your circles don’t cross.”
8. Unrealistic expectations.
9. We value work over people.
@Mostrehlow:
“I have felt the loneliness and emptiness that has resulted in committing to my career rather than my local community and friendships. I’ve moved states twice for career advancement and, in hindsight, I wish I had had different priorities and made different decisions. When I found myself in a recent crisis, I had no local friends to call . . . I think about friendships a lot differently now as I approach my 30’s. I wish I had made cultivating friendships more of a priority in my 20’s.”
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So we’ve talked a lot about the obstacles that make friendships so difficult, so let’s chat for a second about how we can cultivate healthy friendships.
Be the friend you want to have.
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
(Proverbs 18:24)
2. Adjust your expectations.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Invest the time.
Spend less time on the gram and more time Investing with real life friends.
5. Be vulnerable. Take risks.
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:12-13)
RESOURCES TO REFRAME OUR THINKING
Elizabeth recommends the book, Uninvited by Lysa Teurkerst. It’s a great book if you are feeling left out or having trouble navigating friendships.
Kara-Kae is watching a Netflix drama, You. Season two is out now so watch it if you like dark dramas.