Just gonna be really open and honest here. I had a breakdown this weekend, and honestly it scared me. I've for the most part managed to keep my head on pretty straight after having the kiddos. There was a time after having Jessi that I was really scared I was getting postpartum depression, but we figured out it was just stress and frustration over breastfeeding. As soon as I quit breastfeeding her, I was golden. But last week was hard. Both girls have been suffering with allergies really bad, and it was taking a toll on us all. We got the news that we couldn't continue with our adoption and I took that pretty hard. It was a busy week, so all around exhausting. Saturday morning daddy had a basketball game (he plays in a church league) so we were at home by ourselves. The whining was ridiculous. It's all I had heard all week. My head hurt, the baby was crying, the toddler was whining and clinging to me.

I just broke down. I couldn't even stand the sight of their faces. What?? I calmly begged the toddler to go play with her toys, while I sat and tried to wrap my mind around the emotions. I just needed to escape.

Then the guilt hits. What kind of a mother am I? What mother wants to get away from her children?? Well, me. The kind of mother that never gets away from her children. I never ask for help. When I ask for help, I feel like a failure. I've convinced myself I can do it all and I can handle it all.

But I can't.

Thankfully hubby walked in the door before I locked myself in my bedroom. I explain to him that I was losing my mind, and he gladly took over the children so I could take a nap and escape the house.  I tell new moms all the time how important it is to take time to yourself and ask for help, but why can't I take that advice myself? When I do get help, and get a chance to leave the house - I rush through my errands and feel this HUGE amount of guilt the entire time.

When will this get better? Get easier? Maybe it never will. But I hope that eventually I get the hang of it and the guilt lessens. Because even after an hour away, I feel so much more refreshed.

I think I had just reached the point of exhaustion, we all get there. I love these little people more than anything on this planet (other than their sperm donor of course). I would do ANYTHING for them. But sometimes, I just have to get away before I go completely nutty.

It's those days when the baby is up to eat every three hours the night before and the toddler has a screaming meltdown because "OH NO I OPENED THE FRUIT SNACKS ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE PACKAGE". That's when it's time to step back, take a breather and remind myself I am a fantastic mother. We will get through this stage.

It's hard. But I will always go home, scoop up my babies and love them with everything in me. It's ok to have a tough day, and it's important to take a break - even from your family. Recharge those batteries so you can start over fresh.

How do you survive the tough days? Are you asking for help? 

my incomplete family

I find myself getting very anxious sometimes to get our family built. It feels so incomplete. We have our little firstborn, who is completely awesome and we're kinda obsessed with her. We meet little sister in 6 weeks (yeah....6 weeks from today!). But still. It feels incomplete. With waiting out the final weeks of this pregnancy and our pending adoption, it makes me restless.

But then I kick myself for trying to rush it....because wow they grow up SO fast! Look who is already swimming by herself!

I know that God has an amazing plan for our family. We are stoked that He has called us to adopt and is going to allow us to bring children into our family that need a forever home. It's seriously an incredible honor. But I'm dying over here!! I want to scoop up all those babies and bring them home NOW.

Basically, I'm impatient.

It's hard waiting.

Waiting for hubby to get a more solid job, so we can even be allowed to adopt. That part is frustrating sometimes. God, you have called us to this....why aren't you giving us the means to do so?? Is He telling us to wait? Maybe this is His way of keeping me from losing my mind by having too many tiny babies to raise!

My heart is anxious and so excited for what lies ahead for us. I wish I could dig into paperwork now, and get this process going. But we are waiting. Waiting until the time is right. Focusing on each child, each little blessing He's giving us. One at a time.

What are you anxious for now, and how is God teaching you to wait?

the unused pregnancy test

Every time I open my top drawer in our bathroom I see a single, lonely, unused pregnancy test. It almost hurts my heart a little bit. Because there's a good chance it will never serve it's purpose.

We are done.

Well, maybe. Most likely. I thought my first pregnancy was tough with everything I faced, and so far only 16 weeks in, this is way worse. I know how incredibly blessed I am to even be able to carry a child. I am reminded of that fact daily when I look into the eyes of my perfect little girl. She's a blessing and a miracle. Every baby is.

I can't be the mommy I want and need to be for the 9 months my body is taken over. My body resists so much, and takes on a lot. I want so badly to crawl around on the floor and wrestle with my tiny toddler. I want the energy to chase her and enjoy her. But pregnancy makes me a different person.

So, as hard as it is to admit - this may very well be my last pregnancy. The last time I feel a tiny person move and kick inside of me. The last time I hold a freshly baked newborn in my arms.

This doesn't mean we are done. Because there are so many babies to love and who need a forever home. Although we have been planning for nearly a year to adopt, we are looking at the exciting idea of adopting 2 kiddos. We know we still want to adopt from Ethiopia if their government will allow, and are praying through what and where the next adoption will happen. Domestic or International? Lots to pray and think through in the coming years.

I believe the hard thing for me will be stopping at two adoptions. Just because my body can't physically handle more pregnancies, doesn't mean we have to give up and stop at two children. God has a bigger plan for us and He has 147 million babies across the world that need homes. If I can shrink that number by just a few, I am more than ok with that.

I think I'll keep that unused test as a reminder of the blessing my kids are that I carried, and a blessing my kids are that I didn't. Because even though it doesn't serve it's purpose, doesn't mean I can't serve mine.

her love language is paper towels.

We all have a love language. We all know this, and most couples have read The Five Love Languages together. If you haven't, I suggest you do. Actually, I suggest the man reads it to learn how to best love his wife...and the woman just needs to give him some lovin'. Because come on, I guarantee you that 99.9% of men have "physical touch" as their #1 love language. Disagree? I didn't think so. The concept of this is fantastic. To learn to love a person based on the way they best feel loved. BRILLIANT. My husband knows I like gifts. Even the gift of cleaning up the house for me these days shows me tons of love. For him is physical touch. **shocking**

Sometimes it's the little things.

Sweet Tea is totally my love language. Yesterday hubs and I went for a drive and he said, how about we stop for a tea first? Ummmm, YES. I about pounced on him right there in the car. He knows the little things that make me happy and by him offering me something that I enjoy, I feel loved.

My daughter's love language: paper towels. Seriously, I could give this kid a roll of them and she would go to town. Content for hours. It's what makes her happy. It makes her cup full. As her mommy, I know the little things that make her happy.

Yes, children have love languages too. If you have several children, I'm sure you can attest to the fact that each of them feels loved in a different way.  My daughter is a quality time person. She's only 7 months old, but she likes the security of having mommy & daddy close. Sitting in the floor and playing with her for hours makes her so happy.

Are you loving your spouse and your children in the way that fits them individually? I encourage you to find out their love language. Because your blanket of "love" covering your family isn't enough. Make it specific and intentional.

What do you think your husband & kid's love languages are? Please share them here!

he knew exactly what he was doing

I don't have to convince you that children are a gift. An amazing gift from God that He has intrusted us with.  My heart breaks when I see a child unloved, unnoticed and unknown.  Every child was hand selected for his or her mother. Every child needs, wants and deserves love. Every. One. Of. Them. I am daily overwhelmed with the blessing my child is to me. Sometimes it's a good overwhelming, and sometimes it's just overwhelming.  But I don't doubt for a second that this is the child that God created and trusted me to raise.

In a women's bible study I am doing, we talked about our children this week. The speaker said something that really hit home with me.

No matter how insignificant or unqualified I feel, God knew what He was doing.

Wooooow. That's right. On those days where I feel like screaming at the sky and asking what in the world He was thinking by making ME a mother, He knew. He knew exactly what He was doing.

When He created this spunky, strong willed baby who at 6 months thinks she's a toddler, He knew. He knew exactly what He was doing.

And when she is in middle school and comes home crying with a broken heart, and I feel helpless. He knew. He knew exactly what He was doing.

So mama, stop doubting yourself.  Never doubt your child.  Get to know them and learn why God placed this tiny human with you.  I think you'll be amazed at what you discover!

{"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him" - Psalm 127:3}

Because, He knew exactly what He was doing.

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