finding my feet

I've been watching the online world change and turn around me, and I've been struggling to find my feet and really figure out what that looks like for me. Thrive has been thriving (see what I did there?) and it's a joy and honor to be doing God's work and watching women feel so empowered and ministered to (PS. did you see about our Fall Retreat!?! #shamelessplug). Mom Diggity Designs is doing great (thanks for buying our cards, it's sooooo fun to create love that you share with others!!!) Influence Conference is coming in a few weeks, and I've had the joy of serving on the Events Team and getting to help plan this amazing conference. Needless to say, my plate is full. I find myself saying so much "I'm so stretched thin", "I'm overwhelmed", and "I just need a break". Unfortunately, blogging has been put on the back burner for me because everything else had to come first. And then figuring out what my voice looks like after a difficult life season is a whole thing in itself. 

The past 18 months have been incredibly difficult. After battling for a good year with postpartum anxiety & depression, I struggled to find my voice and share my story. I hear from women all the time reaching out for help and wanting me to share my story, but my story scares me. It's not a fun journey to talk about, and days I still battle with the hint of lingering anxiety and believing the lies that I'm not good enough. When I want to be raw and real here, I fear of exposing the parts of my heart that still hurt so badly. Some things that I clung to as comfort in that season have been stripped away leaving me even more exposed and vulnerable to the point that I can only trust in God. Satan has whispered lies about me to people who I believed to be closest to me, and that hurt me deeply. It's taken a strength that only God can give to pick up the pieces and believe in who He says I am, and that the world doesn't matter. 

I feel weak as a wife and mom. A place I had always felt strong and confident, I battle to face every day. I'm impatient with my children and don't show my husband enough grace. I hide in my work when I can't bear another day. I allow myself to get stressed and overwhelmed with it all. I'm not quite ready to share everything that happened to me or happened in my heart during that season, but I think I will get there. I just don't think God is quite ready to close the door on that season yet. My family has been in a tough, growing pains season for the last few years and trying to figure out what God has for us. It hasn't been as easy journey. I'm far from finished, a constant work in progress. 

I have been battling lately with if I would even continue to blog, but I feel like I'm not done here yet. I'm not done sharing my stories, my experiences, my joys and my failures. I'm not done pouring into the women that find themselves here looking for grace and a pat on the back in motherhood. I'm not done sharing that you don't have to shower everyday and offering a smile to a mom who so desperately just needs to smile. I'm not done sharing that motherhood and family is a place of grace and an outpouring of God's love for us as his children. 

Thank you to those of you who have stuck around through a difficult season, I hope to be able to be more vulnerable and share the pieces of my heart and story with you as we journey together. Remember, there's ALWAYS beauty in the chaos. Sometimes it's so hard to see, but I believe that God always wants to show us glimpses of His face in the holy work of motherhood.