I spent 90% of last weekend puking into a little bucket next to my bed. We're all friends here and can talk about that kind of stuff, right? I thought so. I was out shopping Friday evening for last minute birthday party stuff and felt like I was going to puke all over aisle 4. Long story short, I was up all night with a nasty stomach bug and we had to cancel Makenzi's first birthday party. I was devastated having to cancel her party. Not just because I'm a party planner and a lot went into it, but because selfishly it was about me. Yeah, that's a hard one to admit. There's something about that first birthday that I take SO personally as if I did something great.
When I take a step back and do a heart check I realize:
How selfish are my feelings?
How pointless is my striving?
Am I wanting to do this to honor her or make myself feel better and look better?
What a tough heart check that is! That even when I can't show off my hard work and hear everyone talk about how great of a job I did, am I still doing it for the same reason? I realize how much I struggle with this in motherhood. How much of what I do is set up for my personal gain? How much of this is selfishly done for me? Am I striving for "greatness" instead of allowing Christ to reflect through me and love my children unconditionally?
It's a hard lesson to stomach (especially when you're getting over the stomach flu) that it's not about you. Christ made himself a slave, a lowly human to save and rescue us. Why should I ever think I'm entitled to so much as a mother? As if I've done a great deed that deserves celebrating? (Read this great post from Thrive Moms MOMentum on this subject!)
So, instead of a Pinterest award winning post to follow up from my birthday inspiration board, I leave you with puke and disappointment. A thrown together "make up party" so we could use the food we had ready for the big day. A few blurry pictures and a a sore throat from the pill I had to swallow learning it's really not about me and my big plans after all.
However, this girl. This precious, amazing, hilarious girl. It's all about her and I'm thankful for the lessons I learn from getting to be her mama. I become a better person because of this amazing journey. It's a joy and an honor to be around her every single day.
I'd throw her a million parties if I could, because she really is my greatest littlest joy.
Happy Birthday, Makenzi Hannah!