the battle is over & the journey begins

A lot of the reason I haven't blogged much lately is because I've been so focused on Thrive, but there's also another reason. As I was battling through post partum anxiety, depression crept up on me. It hit me HARD. I was in a deep valley. Struggling to read my bible, listen to worship music or even pray. I found myself angry with God. Angry that I was going through this season. Resenting my kids for "ruining" my life and being so needy. Desperately wanting to get in my car and drive to Canada. The funny part? I was in the middle of building a new ministry to encourage moms. Moms who were exactly in the place I was in at that very moment.

We launched Thrive last week. Last week, I became a new person. I was released from the bondage of anxiety & depression. I'm not going to say I won't still struggle from time to time, but I finally feel alive again. I am having a BLAST with my kids and loving my life. I'm filled with a joy I hadn't felt in months.

Ironic? Coincidence? I think not.

I know that God was using my pain to build Thrive. I had always dreamed of starting a ministry like that, but it wasn't until I fully suffered the deepest, darkest days of motherhood that I could understand. That I could really know how to meet moms right where they are.

And when I gave that over to Him, I was renewed as a mom. As a wife. As a daughter of the King.

I wrote this below while I was in one of my worst days. I really prayed about whether or not I should share it, but I feel like I want to be completely transparent about my battle. I hope that if you are battling like I was, you can find someone to walk through it with, and know that Thrive is here for you!

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The darkest of dark. 

My heart literally aches in my chest. My mind races. I fight off feelings of loneliness, anger and self doubt. I fight against the daylight each morning wishing the sun would just go away. I’m not me. I’m not okay. 

I smile and force myself through my routine. Instead of snuggling, I push away the tiny human that wants on my lap. I look at myself in the mirror and feel like an alien in this body. It’s so different, so ugly, so unknown.  I wish for that flat tummy and tiny waist, but shove another donut in my face because eating is an escape.

I am pushing away friends, family and God. I am angry that no one understand me and frustrated that God would allow me to hurt like this. I secretly wish something bad would happen to me just so I can feel pain.I’m numb. I brush off these ridiculous thoughts and try to focus on the beauty in my life, but it’s hard to see through the fog that overtakes my emotions.

I refuse to admit something is wrong with ME. I’m sunshine and rainbows and fields of wild flowers. I’m not dark and broken. I can’t be. Not me.

It seems like a never ending battle that I can’t win. A battle against dishes and runny noses and timeouts. Against diapers and crumbs and dust bunnies. It feels pointless. Worthless. A battle that can’t be won.

I want to escape. I want the pain to end. I desire to feel wanted, loved and special. I know what it takes to obtain this, but I’m too angry and tired to even care. I ache. I'm broken.

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