A lot of the reason I haven't blogged much lately is because I've been so focused on Thrive, but there's also another reason. As I was battling through post partum anxiety, depression crept up on me. It hit me HARD. I was in a deep valley. Struggling to read my bible, listen to worship music or even pray. I found myself angry with God. Angry that I was going through this season. Resenting my kids for "ruining" my life and being so needy. Desperately wanting to get in my car and drive to Canada. The funny part? I was in the middle of building a new ministry to encourage moms. Moms who were exactly in the place I was in at that very moment.
We launched Thrive last week. Last week, I became a new person. I was released from the bondage of anxiety & depression. I'm not going to say I won't still struggle from time to time, but I finally feel alive again. I am having a BLAST with my kids and loving my life. I'm filled with a joy I hadn't felt in months.
Ironic? Coincidence? I think not.
I know that God was using my pain to build Thrive. I had always dreamed of starting a ministry like that, but it wasn't until I fully suffered the deepest, darkest days of motherhood that I could understand. That I could really know how to meet moms right where they are.
And when I gave that over to Him, I was renewed as a mom. As a wife. As a daughter of the King.
I wrote this below while I was in one of my worst days. I really prayed about whether or not I should share it, but I feel like I want to be completely transparent about my battle. I hope that if you are battling like I was, you can find someone to walk through it with, and know that Thrive is here for you!
The darkest of dark.
My heart literally aches in my chest. My mind races. I fight off feelings of loneliness, anger and self doubt. I fight against the daylight each morning wishing the sun would just go away. I’m not me. I’m not okay.
I smile and force myself through my routine. Instead of snuggling, I push away the tiny human that wants on my lap. I look at myself in the mirror and feel like an alien in this body. It’s so different, so ugly, so unknown. I wish for that flat tummy and tiny waist, but shove another donut in my face because eating is an escape.
I am pushing away friends, family and God. I am angry that no one understand me and frustrated that God would allow me to hurt like this. I secretly wish something bad would happen to me just so I can feel pain.I’m numb. I brush off these ridiculous thoughts and try to focus on the beauty in my life, but it’s hard to see through the fog that overtakes my emotions.
I refuse to admit something is wrong with ME. I’m sunshine and rainbows and fields of wild flowers. I’m not dark and broken. I can’t be. Not me.
It seems like a never ending battle that I can’t win. A battle against dishes and runny noses and timeouts. Against diapers and crumbs and dust bunnies. It feels pointless. Worthless. A battle that can’t be won.
I want to escape. I want the pain to end. I desire to feel wanted, loved and special. I know what it takes to obtain this, but I’m too angry and tired to even care. I ache. I'm broken.