this milk shop is closed

Well, I have a confession. I haven't told this to my online community yet, because frankly I'm a little nervous to say it out loud. I'm not going to breastfeed this baby. 

When we decided to have another, it wasn't just the pregnancy that was a scary thought for me. It was the breastfeeding. Let's just catch you up in case you are new here. I breastfed Jessi for 4 months. She destroyed me in the first week. Bad. She had a "barracuda suck" and eating was an olympic sport for her. She won gold. I ended up pumping exclusively while seeing specialist after specialist because I had nerve damage, yeast infections and 3 rounds of mastitis. It was tough. Finally a doctor told me that it would not get better until I stopped. So I stopped. I brestfed Zoey for 2.5 months. I had mastitis 3 times in that short time. The medicines made me incredibly sick. I ended up with a hernia on my esphogas. I was miserable. So I stopped.

So. I'm not going to put myself and my child through that this time. Trust me, I got help and support. I became BFF with every lactation consultant on the planet. I did everything I could to make it work. I wanted it so badly. I know how good it is for the baby. But I think the best thing for the baby is a sane mama who can be 100% present.

When we bring this baby home I will have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. I know it will be incredible difficult. So I don't need me ending up in the ER every few days because I can't kick the mastitis. I need to be healthy for my babies. This was an incredibly hard decision for me to make.

I'm going to need every bit of energy I can get. 

I'm a HUGE advocate for breastfeeding, but I'm an even bigger advocate for my family.