Just gonna be really open and honest here. I had a breakdown this weekend, and honestly it scared me. I've for the most part managed to keep my head on pretty straight after having the kiddos. There was a time after having Jessi that I was really scared I was getting postpartum depression, but we figured out it was just stress and frustration over breastfeeding. As soon as I quit breastfeeding her, I was golden. But last week was hard. Both girls have been suffering with allergies really bad, and it was taking a toll on us all. We got the news that we couldn't continue with our adoption and I took that pretty hard. It was a busy week, so all around exhausting. Saturday morning daddy had a basketball game (he plays in a church league) so we were at home by ourselves. The whining was ridiculous. It's all I had heard all week. My head hurt, the baby was crying, the toddler was whining and clinging to me.
I just broke down. I couldn't even stand the sight of their faces. What?? I calmly begged the toddler to go play with her toys, while I sat and tried to wrap my mind around the emotions. I just needed to escape.
Then the guilt hits. What kind of a mother am I? What mother wants to get away from her children?? Well, me. The kind of mother that never gets away from her children. I never ask for help. When I ask for help, I feel like a failure. I've convinced myself I can do it all and I can handle it all.
But I can't.
Thankfully hubby walked in the door before I locked myself in my bedroom. I explain to him that I was losing my mind, and he gladly took over the children so I could take a nap and escape the house. I tell new moms all the time how important it is to take time to yourself and ask for help, but why can't I take that advice myself? When I do get help, and get a chance to leave the house - I rush through my errands and feel this HUGE amount of guilt the entire time.
When will this get better? Get easier? Maybe it never will. But I hope that eventually I get the hang of it and the guilt lessens. Because even after an hour away, I feel so much more refreshed.
I think I had just reached the point of exhaustion, we all get there. I love these little people more than anything on this planet (other than their sperm donor of course). I would do ANYTHING for them. But sometimes, I just have to get away before I go completely nutty.
It's those days when the baby is up to eat every three hours the night before and the toddler has a screaming meltdown because "OH NO I OPENED THE FRUIT SNACKS ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE PACKAGE". That's when it's time to step back, take a breather and remind myself I am a fantastic mother. We will get through this stage.
It's hard. But I will always go home, scoop up my babies and love them with everything in me. It's ok to have a tough day, and it's important to take a break - even from your family. Recharge those batteries so you can start over fresh.
How do you survive the tough days? Are you asking for help?