when things don't go as "planned"

Time for a bit of an update. If you remember back right after to the week after Zoey was born, I got a mad case of mastitis quickly followed by my stomach forgetting how to work. Long story short, I couldn't eat for a few weeks and lost about 15 pounds in a few days. I saw about 12 doctors within a couple of days and pretty much got no where. Oh, and then one night even ended up on the ER it got so bad. Joy. So, I was put on a couple of medicines to help calm my stomach and allow me to eat. My doctor ran some tests and found a bacteria in my stomach that can cause ulcers. At least we were finally getting somewhere! However, the treatmeant to kill the bacteria isn't safe for breastfeeding. Sigh. Back to square one.

I was referred to a specialist to get another opinion, but she basically said the same thing. She didn't feel safe treating it while I'm breastfeeding. Sigh, sigh siiiiiigh.

And to top it all of, breastfeeding took a turn for the worst. Pain hit BIG time last weekend and I knew something was wrong, but didn't want to admit it. Everything had seemed to be going well and I was trying to stay positive. By Monday morning, there was no more denying it. Bright pink boobie, fever and the feeling of being ran over by a train. Mastitis round two.

Talk about frustration, discouragement & disappointment. I so badly want to breastfeed, but once again...nothing is going as "planned". I can't get better while I'm still breastfeeding. I can't eat well with my stomach like this. I can't function well if I'm sick. It's a vicious circle. I really didn't think I would actually be considering stopping breastfeeding, and it literally breaks my heart. This was the 5th time I've had mastitis between my 2 babies. 3 times within 3 months with Jessi, and 2 times within 2 months with Zoey. I average once a month. Who can live that way??

I would appreciate your prayers as we make decisions of how to treat my sickness and move forward. The guilt I feel from being faced with having to quit breastfeeding is too much. I need a peace about it if I have to be done. I have to take care of myself so I can take care of my family.

Now, I'm off to munch on saltines and drink water. Bleh.