the unused pregnancy test

Every time I open my top drawer in our bathroom I see a single, lonely, unused pregnancy test. It almost hurts my heart a little bit. Because there's a good chance it will never serve it's purpose.

We are done.

Well, maybe. Most likely. I thought my first pregnancy was tough with everything I faced, and so far only 16 weeks in, this is way worse. I know how incredibly blessed I am to even be able to carry a child. I am reminded of that fact daily when I look into the eyes of my perfect little girl. She's a blessing and a miracle. Every baby is.

I can't be the mommy I want and need to be for the 9 months my body is taken over. My body resists so much, and takes on a lot. I want so badly to crawl around on the floor and wrestle with my tiny toddler. I want the energy to chase her and enjoy her. But pregnancy makes me a different person.

So, as hard as it is to admit - this may very well be my last pregnancy. The last time I feel a tiny person move and kick inside of me. The last time I hold a freshly baked newborn in my arms.

This doesn't mean we are done. Because there are so many babies to love and who need a forever home. Although we have been planning for nearly a year to adopt, we are looking at the exciting idea of adopting 2 kiddos. We know we still want to adopt from Ethiopia if their government will allow, and are praying through what and where the next adoption will happen. Domestic or International? Lots to pray and think through in the coming years.

I believe the hard thing for me will be stopping at two adoptions. Just because my body can't physically handle more pregnancies, doesn't mean we have to give up and stop at two children. God has a bigger plan for us and He has 147 million babies across the world that need homes. If I can shrink that number by just a few, I am more than ok with that.

I think I'll keep that unused test as a reminder of the blessing my kids are that I carried, and a blessing my kids are that I didn't. Because even though it doesn't serve it's purpose, doesn't mean I can't serve mine.