I struggle with writing posts like this because I feel like I need to be hyper-sensitive. There are so many women who are struggling with getting pregnant and have lost babies. Women I know and love. I can't say I understand but as a mother, I can sympathize. So it makes it difficult for me to talk about a hard pregnancy. Because it's a blessing. It's a honor to carry this child. I know that. But that doesn't change the difficulties I face.
I'm sick. I've said it a million times, but I'm like really really sick. Most of the time when people are around I put on a happy face and act like all is ok. But yesterday I almost reached my breaking point. It was our anniversary. I wanted nothing more than to go out and have a fun evening with the love of my life. But I had kept nothing down all day, and I had no appetite. My parents graciously came to hang with the munchkin to allow us out of the house for a bit. But at every stop I had to find a bathroom to throw up. Hubs bought me a cupcake (I looooooove cupcakes) and it tasted like ash in my mouth and I couldn't eat it. We ended up eating our anniversary dinner at McAlister's Deli because nothing else even sounded good, and it ended up being disgusting after I ate.
I stepped on the scale to find out I've lost 3 pounds. I understand that is normal for a very sick first trimester, but to me it's terrifying. I worry my baby isn't getting the nutrients it needs because I can barely find anything to put in me that will stay there.
It's hard. I know it's a blessing, but it's hard. I know there are women who have it worse than me, but that doesn't make it easier. I don't feel like getting off the couch to be a fun mom to my daughter. And it definitely doesn't make it easier that I turn into a zombie the minute she goes to bed so my hubby doesn't even get to spend time with me.
It's been 10 weeks so far that I've been dealing with this intense sickness and exhaustion. I'm praying that the second trimester will bring some relief and energy. I want to feel like a woman, wife & mom again. I want to happily eat my Oreos and gain weight and watch my belly grow. I want this to be a joyous time.
I want to stop putting on the fake happy face and the "it's worth it" smile, and really enjoy this pregnancy.
Because frankly, right now I want to curl up in my bed and not come out until September.